I am in crisis. A mid-life crisis I suppose.
Who am I? What is my purpose in this my life? Who is that looking back at me from the mirror? Oh no, I think it's my Mom. How did this happen?
I'm searching to find Barbara, but she has left the building. At least in the sense of being who she once was. Who she recognized as herself. I always knew I was vain. Until about 3 days ago I never realized how much of me was based on my looks. Not that I'm a super model or perfect, just perfect to me in my mind and in my mirror.
So much has changed this year, my 48th. Changes of vanity. Thinning hair, sagging jawline and eyelids, skin mottling, weight gain...I could go on and on, but I won't or I will cry a river and never finish my thoughts.
My hormones run amok in my cells and wreak havoc on what I once knew about myself. Nothing feels right. Everything is new and I don't like it, though like it I must. This is what I am becoming...middle aged.
Somehow, some way I must find the courage to enter this stage of my life gracefully with poise and confidence.
I am a woman who has overcome obstacles that seem like fiction. Thrived when the going was tough and insurmountable. Raised two wonderful boys to the best of my ability, oftentimes on my own. Kept the faith that their futures would hold magic and wonder, and they do.
Ageing is an ongoing process and I am in the midst of finding my new self. An older yet wiser self. If truth be told I am frightened. This is new territory, pages unwritten and it terrifies me.
In my 48 years I have climbed many mountains. I became a mother,wife and widow at age 16. Life moved on. A mother again at 23 and alone again at 34. Yet another relationship to end in tragedy after 7 years. Another chance at happiness again and celebrating 7 years of unconditional love and acceptance. Dare I hope that I may have found the one? I often wonder when this relationship will end...or will it?
It's what I have...HOPE...