Friday, November 1, 2013

Ageing Gracefully...Maybe NOT, but I'm trying!

I am in crisis.  A mid-life crisis I suppose.  

Who am I?  What is my purpose in this my life?  Who is that looking back at me from the mirror?  Oh no, I think it's my Mom.  How did this happen?

I'm searching to find Barbara, but she has left the building.  At least in the sense of being who she once was.  Who she recognized as herself.  I always knew I was vain.  Until about 3 days ago I never realized how much of me was based on my looks.  Not that I'm a super model or perfect, just perfect to me in my mind and in my mirror.  

So much has changed this year, my 48th.  Changes of vanity.  Thinning hair, sagging jawline and eyelids, skin mottling, weight gain...I could go on and on, but I won't or I will cry a river and never finish my thoughts.  

My hormones run amok in my cells and wreak havoc on what I once knew about myself.  Nothing feels right.  Everything is new and I don't like it, though like it I must.   This is what I am becoming...middle aged.  

Somehow, some way I must find the courage to enter this stage of my life gracefully with poise and confidence.  

I am a woman who has overcome obstacles that seem like fiction. Thrived when the going was tough and insurmountable.  Raised two wonderful boys to the best of my ability, oftentimes on my own.  Kept the faith that their futures would hold magic and wonder, and they do.  

Ageing is an ongoing process and I am in the midst of finding my new self.  An older yet wiser self.  If truth be told I am frightened.  This is new territory, pages unwritten and it terrifies me.  

In my 48 years I have climbed many mountains.  I became a mother,wife and widow at age 16.  Life moved on.  A mother again at 23 and alone again at 34.  Yet another relationship to end in tragedy after 7 years.  Another chance at happiness again and celebrating 7 years of unconditional love and acceptance.  Dare I hope that I may have found the one?  I often wonder when this relationship will end...or will it?


It's what I have...HOPE...



14 comments:

  1. I truly believe age is just a number. And yes, the things you have been through have given you strength and define who you are today. While I am not at all crazy about my middle-age body, I LOVE my middle-age brain. Whenever you get down about your age, just think of Betty White---I want to be just like her when I "grow up"!!!

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    1. Thank you Marsha, I LOVE Betty White! A definite role model. I never thought about it, but I like my middle-age brain too!

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  2. Oh my goodness. That is so much for one woman to have to go through so young.
    I'm seeing some of the same physical things but at a decade younger.
    Without hope, what do we have?

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    1. Character building is what I call it. The physical changes are part of growing up and I have to come to terms with it. Yes, hope is all we have.

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  3. At lunch today ( my friends an I are in our early 50s) we were actually discussing the hopes we had throughout our lives and that although they hadn't all eventuated they were replaced by new hopes...the hopes were not only for ourselves but our families too. Despite the let downs , we agreed without hope , we ceased to have a drive in life . Never give up hope :). travelling Macs http://www.travellingmacs.wordpress.com

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    1. Thank you, I guess all women go through the soul searching at different times in their lives. Thank you for your kind words.

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  4. Oh Barbara I can so much identify myself with some of your feelings. I'm 35 and I can already see so many changes! Yeah, I've been a bit vain throughout my life too and just like you I am terrified of all the upcoming changes. Learning about all these obstacles that you have overcome just make me admire you and understand how strong and beautiful of a woman you are! Hope, sounds like a great path to go... and I'm right there behind you...

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  5. I am not quite at this mid-life crisis yet, but I know it's coming. In my head I feel 28 or so, but I look in the mirror and definitely do not see a twenty something! But I love who I am inside more every year. I don't think you have to age gracefully on the outside (I can relate to the vanity issue), but I hope you try to embrace the Barbara that you are now. She's pretty awesome!

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    1. Thanks Dana, I appreciate your kind words. I have to remember to embrace the woman I am and the woman I am becoming. It's all a process. The young and old I can handle, it's the middle years that are the toughest for me. Kind of like the middle child, not sure of her place. That's me right now.

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  6. great post :)
    Have you heard about GlamST the virtual make up tester?
    Check out my new post about it at: www.lovefromsimmie.com

    Stay beautiful xxxxx

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    1. Thanks so much. No, I haven't heard about it. I'm heading over now to have a peek.

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  7. Barbara...I'm only 30+ and already teary eyed when I think that this will end some day. But you know what? It's not the destination. It's the journey, the memories and the people that you love and love you.
    XOXO,
    Mel
    I recently wrote this...
    http://wondermika.com/beauty/stay-home-moms-vs-working-moms/

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    1. Mel, thank you for your kind words. I have so much to be grateful for and I have taken so much for granted. It's my hope to get through this change without tearing what little bit of hair I have, out.

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